When he and I first started dating, my walls were up higher than the Jinping-I Dam, I was scared to trust him, because I had been burned before by a habitual liar. The habitual liar told me he was single, and claimed that part of the reason for his breakup was that his ex-girlfriend stopped having sex with him, and he’d have to always initiate sex.
Turns out, the habitual liar was very much still with his girlfriend, in fact, they were engaged to marry. Radu told me the same thing about Clover and their non-existent sex life. When I heard this out of his mouth, I thought, here we go again, this is going to end badly. It did! The moral of the story, never trust them when they tell you their reason for being unhappy was a dead bedroom. But, moving on…
Mid-way through our relationship, after he proposed to me, we started talking about him moving to the states to start a new life here. He told me that it didn’t make sense for me to move to the UK, since I had a business here in America, and was doing very well for myself. How generous of him! He was always insistent that he would move here, and we’d live together and then marry. One thing he never liked to discuss was who and how we would pay for the visa process. If you know anything about the immigration process in America, you’ll know that it can be a costly and lengthy process. We actually used to watch episodes of 90 Day Fiancé. A show about long-distance couples that typically meet online, and the journey they take while trying to obtain a K1 visa, to move their spouse to America. When he and I really began to discuss getting a K1 visa, he never made any mention of who would pay for it. He just assumed I would. The average cost of a K1 visa is 4-5k and when you hire an attorney, the price can jump all the way to 10k USD. During our relationship, he never talked about helping out with the cost of things, that we wanted. When the cost of something would come up. It was always assumed that I’d pay for it.
We had a huge fight one night after my frustration grew with his lack of motivation to get a job. After this fight, he wrote me this long impactful message claiming that he loved me, and was willing to do what it takes to make it work. He said he was going to start looking for a job, save up, and then help with the cost of the K1. Yeah, none of that ever happened. Even when we started looking at Airbnb’s, for when I came to visit, he never mentioned who would pay for it. I’d have to buy my plane ticket, which was 1.5-2k, and the Airbnb likely another $1800, plus expenses. I wanted something small, intimate, and cozy. I didn’t care about the size of the place, only spending time with him. While browsing rentals, he said one home was “kinda small” and this rubbed me the wrong way. If you’re not actually contributing to the cost, I don’t think you should determine what’s too small. The place wasn’t! You have to be mindful of what a person can afford, and what their budget is. We later fought about this topic, when I brought it up, and he proceeded to berate me, and chastise me for assuming he’s some “gigolo”. Yet he never once offered to contribute to anything. Ever. Him being my fiancee/boyfriend/partner, wouldn’t it make sense to try to help ease the burden of the cost of traveling just a little?
Once during a voice call, back when I used to play GOT, he was viewing my account, looking at what I needed to improve. I had asked him for advice because I knew I wanted to buy the “Glorious” set. I remember saying, I’d likely buy over time because I was always sort of stingy about my spending in GOT. He pulled up a calculator, to crunch the numbers, because he wanted me to basically buy the set in one buy, rather than waiting for the sales over time. This was one of those times I went “hmm”. Later, I had a conversation with “Perry”, where she said he had encouraged her to buy black diamonds too. She said that she told him that she wasn’t able to spend much because she had a family and young children to support, but he kept insisting, saying “can’t you just buy 50 BD”. It’s easy to tell someone to spend money, when it’s not your money being spent.
When I bought us a pair of Bond Touch bracelets, he later claimed it was the best purchase “we” made. No, I bought them. I remember him boasting early on that Clover had given him access to her bank account. He was trying to assure me that I could trust him, even with my bank account information, as she had. I’m not someone who was born with money. I grew up in a middle-class household and was raised by a single mother. My dad passed away when I was 11. My mother worked and was also on government assistance to support multiple children. I was fortunate enough to start a business later in life, and now I do well for myself. I’m all for sharing everything I have with my partner, but only if that partner is also contributing to increasing the bank balance. I don’t believe in supporting someone else financially if they aren’t working towards bettering themselves on some level.
I once had rum and wine hand-delivered to him at home, just so we could have a virtual date night together. I’m a generous, giving person, I always have been. I love doing special things for those close to me. But I made the mistake of trying to do for someone who is ungrateful, that doesn’t understand the value of money, because they never had to earn it.
I’ve seen stories of young guys who go after the older woman because it’s a promise of a somewhat comfy life. They seek out mature women, often divorcees, lonely and bored women. He told me he liked older women because they were more “secure” and knew what they wanted. Clover and I weren’t randomly chosen, I believe. Me in my late 30’s and she in her early 40’s and he only 23. I remember an earlier conversation we had, when I was suspicious of his intentions, I asked why he had chosen me. He said he knew that I always liked him, he had liked me too, and always liked my voice, but since he was with Clover at the time, he clearly couldn’t pursue me. He said he wanted to be with me. He said he could have gone after Chayle, but didn’t and Dee married, and Peggy/NoOne was too old. He considered Peggy more of a grandma-type figure in his life, and someone who provided financial support for him in game. Later, when this conversation came up again, he made an off-hand comment about Mina’s friend Emily, but she was obviously too young. I didn’t realize at the time, I was just a candidate in his selection process.
Gawd, I used to feel so badly about myself, I always felt uneasy because I was with someone who wouldn’t work, despite being capable of doing so. Even though I own a business, I work. I pay bills and own a house. I take care of everything myself. And I’d feel a sense of shame when he would tell me that his day consisted of waking, eating, playing online games, moderating for black diamonds, and tending to alliance business. Hell, we even had the name of our future children picked out. And I’d think, how the hell will I be able to support an entire household on my own. I was always so fearful, I’d become his mother. Enabling him. He always claimed it was depression preventing him from working, but it was the video game addiction, he could never quit. And trust me, I tried everything to make him see it. Nothing worked!
