I struggled with this question for months, wondering why the person who claimed to love me the most hid the fact that he had herpes. A few months into our reunion, I left the internet for over month, disappeared and told none of my online friends that I had decided to leave the internet. During my absence, Radu formed a friendship with one of the girls who was apart of girl group that was harassing him. She was acting as a mediator in order to form a peaceful resolution between Radu and his enemies. We will call her ‘Sarah’.
Sarah who is young and sweet and a little wet behind the ears began to form an attachment to him, an infatuation maybe even a little crush. Radu sent her multiple flirtatious messages while not knowing where I was or even if I had died considering I was suicidal at the time after his abuse and torment. During one of their many conversations, Radu would reveal to her that he has herpes. Herpes Simplex 1, to be clear, if he was telling the truth. Radu never told me that he had herpes, he never even considered telling me. He told Sarah that he’s always had it since he could remember. Despite Radu and I having a very explicit sexual relationship, he never told me anything about it. When I confronted Radu, he became defensive and angry and told me that he didn’t have to tell me because it’s not required by law in his country, he said everyone has it, so it didn’t matter. I don’t have it. After 4 decades I have never once in my life had a cold sore or anything that resembles herpes. I have friends who have herpes and I’ve witness the struggles they faced having to inform new partners and potentials long term partners, but they were also adamant about informing them of their status prior to having sexual contact.
Radu took my power away by not disclosing his status to me. I wouldn’t care if 900 million people have herpes, only 1 person matters, the person I am dating and whether or not they have it and decides to tell me about it. It’s not pointless to tell someone, if you would possibly infect them with something permanent that would cause any sort of reaction, you’re obligated to say something. You have no idea how severe a reaction could be, you have to allow her partner to make the choice for themselves. We tell strangers “not to get close” when we have a simple cold, we are mindful to cover our mouths when we cough, but Radu thought that I didn’t need to know.
I didn’t need to know that my partner had herpes? You don’t do that to your partner and as someone who practices safe sex, I would never do that to anyone. I broke down in tears wondering how far he could go with his cruelty to hurt me because I had hurt him with my blog. Weeks later we came back around to the topic and he claimed he wouldn’t want to infect me, the problem is, he wasn’t going to tell me had Sarah not told me. He claimed he would take meds to keep me safe, but the damage was already done. I do not know if Radu informed any of his partners, but I doubt any of them knew. Or perhaps one them infected him, I have no idea, I don’t trust anything he has to say about his status.
If you believe you may have an STD/STI, please get tested and please inform your sexual partners about your history and current status. Your partners deserve to know if they are at risk.
