This is my most painful memory of him.
December 2020, I was planning an amazing Christmas for him. I made a list of all these really great items that I put on a long shopping list. I had on the list sweaters, lounge pants, wallet, tea’s, dental floss, essential oils to help with his headaches, a ton of other practical items, and many custom items as well. I was so excited to make him feel special because he told me that no one had ever made a day all about him. I wanted to see him smile and I wanted him to know how loved and appreciated he was. I’d always loved Christmas. I listen to Christmas music almost daily. I just love everything it represents. But my perfectly planned Christmas would turn to sorrow.
Towards the end of December, I learned my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and would have a year or two left to live. My relationship with my mother had always been strained. I had a rough childhood and spent a lot of my childhood feeling alone. For 10 years of my adult life, I battled crippling depression, when I lived in my mother’s home. I found myself unable to work, I stopped seeing my friends. I pretty much stayed in my bedroom alone every day with my cat Raven. My mother and I rarely spoke, it was always her yelling at me. I would always run back to my bedroom when I would hear the front door open.
Because I wasn’t working and was dealing with depression, I had to rely on my mother for my meals. Meals which she withheld most days while feeding herself and my brother. During that 10 year period my health deteriorated, I became malnourished, my skin was awful, my hair was shedding bady, and I had no energy. I remember one of her friends came over to visit and after he saw me, he asked her if I was sick. Even when I ate something, I’d still be hungry. Because of my mother’s awful treatment toward me, I harbored a lot of contempt and anger for her. So, when I learned she had cancer, my emotions were all over the place. I didn’t know what to feel or even if I wanted to feel anything. I didn’t know how to begin processing the news. I disappeared for 4 days, and went off the grid. I shut everything down. When I finally returned, I went straight to him. I became frustrated with him because he was playing video games and showing little attention.
He finally asked what was wrong, and I said my mother is sick and I don’t want to talk about it. He then accused me of playing “mind games” and trying to get sympathy because of my mother. Then he proceeded to break up with me.
Here was my so-called boyfriend/partner/fiance who had just told me to fuck off after telling him my mother was going to die. He knew my history with her, he knew I couldn’t handle it on my own. I’d never known cruelty like this before, other than my mother’s mistreatment. I’d never experienced someone telling me they would take their own life, if I died because they couldn’t live without me, but then go on to accuse me of playing head games with my mother’s illness. Needless to say, Christmas didn’t happen that year, and we broke up for 2 weeks. But because I couldn’t leave my abuser, I went back, and as the months rolled by and the abuse continued, ultimately resulting in me losing myself even further. Recently I’ve learned about “object constancy”. Object constancy refers to the ability, if someone does something that disappoints you, to put that in the context of the whole relationship.
When a narcissist is shouting at you for whatever they think you did to them, there are no memories of the good times in their head. They are only living in that moment of being furious with you. At that moment, they truly hate you. Learning this helped me to understand why he never remembers all the good me or anyone did for him. When he was angry with me, he wanted to hurt me. Breaking up with me after learning my mother was dying was my punishment in that moment, because I had upset him.
